I spent the afternoon editing in the big barn, then Hopie and I went and saw my Mom this evening for an hour. My brothers and my sister Candy were there. Mom was doing good and feeling well. It had been a good day for her. We were all thankful for that. Joey called me right before we left there. She was having a hard time at the house. I could hear something new in her voice. The strength and patience that she’d had all week was draining. I hurried and came home. When I walked in, she could barely look at me and was short and upset. I could tell she was falling apart. The baby hadn’t been sleeping well and Joey was exhausted, and to add to that, she had been reading some blogs and info online about Down Syndrome and it was hurting and scaring her. She finally broke down at the table and put her face in her hands. There were questions and worries and there were tears and apologies for tears. I told her she didn’t have to apologize and that it was normal and okay to be upset and confused, especially when she was so tired. I asked her to come in the living room and sit with me and I held her for a long time on the loveseat. It took a while for the fear to subside and for her tears to dry. Then like the woman of strength that she is, she smiled and asked, “would you make dinner with me”. I said I would love to. We made wonderful salmon salad’s and we drank pelegrino in wine glasses with ice. It was so fun. About the time dinner was ready, the baby woke up again. We took turns holding her while the other ate. Then we laid her on the floor and let her “play” for a little while while we watched her and thanked God for her and sang-wished her happy one-week birthday… and ever since, Joey has been trying to get her to sleep. It’s now almost 10 pm and it isn’t working. Joey’s so tired, so is Indy, but the baby is now the one that’s upset and we have no way to find out what’s wrong and don’t know what to say to make it better. God I wish I did. Maybe she’s upset about what Joey read too and it scares her because she doesn’t know what the future holds either? I’ve been sitting with them while Joey feeds her more and rocks her more, and while Indy fusses and cries. I wish there more was something I could do to help her. All I know to do is close my eyes…
Lord, it has truly been an incredible week. You’ve blessed us greatly. More that either of us deserve. With the birth of this beautiful little one, you’ve rewarded us for our faithfulness and also reminded us that you want us to have faith in you more. Father, we trust you. We know this is all part of your much bigger, greater plan. Please be with my wife tonight. Give her energy when she thinks she has no more. Give her courage, when she feels fear. Give her peace, when chaos seems to surrounds her. And above all, give her love, when she’s given all hers away to me and our little crying baby girl. Amen.
I was downloading some pics today to my computer that I took the last week and saw this one of my mother and Indiana. Mom had driven herself to our house that morning to see the baby. It was her first time to drive in about a month, since she’d had her stroke. She really wanted to see her.
I see so much in this photo. Mom was having a very bad day. The cancer in her esophagus was really hurting her and there were tears in her eyes most of the time, not because of Indy I think, but because of the pain. I can only imagine all that she was feeling sitting there holding our little one. Looking at this picture I’m reminded of the uncertainty of life. The scary beginning of life for one and the upcoming, potentially frightening ending of life for another. I see hope for a future that one of them never had… and sadness for a future that one them will never get to have.
Staring at them both, it just occurred to me that this is my mother’s last grandchild. Indy has come late in my life and even later in my Mom’s. The other grandchildren she has range in ages from 14 to 32. And then there’s little Indy… just a few days old, in the arms of a grandmother she may never get to know. Oh, we’ll all tell her stories about her Grandma Rita… about the life she lived.. and we’ll show her pictures. And we’ll get to this one. And I will smile and say this is the day your grandma got to look into your eyes and say “hello”. But inside I will cry, like I am now. Because I will know, on that day, at that moment, part of her was also saying “goodbye”.
We took our first trip out of the house with our new baby today, and it wasn’t a fun one.
We went to see a pediatrician in Columbia this afternoon to have Indiana’s dry skin and a few other things looked it. The doctor we saw was not kind, to say the least. I’d like to think he was having a bad day, but I don’t think he was. It was more than that. He clearly didn’t care for people who choose to birth their babies at home or question what immunizations your child should get. When we told him that we wanted to do some research about immunizations before we jump into having them done, he laid into us about how the internet is a bad resource, and how long he’s been in practice and “if we had a problem with our car, wouldn’t we trust the care of it to a professional mechanic”? Well, that was a bad analogy… seeing as how more times than naught, we’ve been ripped off by shady mechanics who were only after our money, and weren’t really concerned if the problem was fixed or not. I had my camera and was filming our Indy’s first doctor visit and at home point, and looking back on the footage, it makes me even more upset how arrogant he was. I think Joey thought a fist fight between he and I was about to break out. When he finally stopped lecturing us and got around to looking at our baby, he took one look and asked me to turn off the camera. Then he asked Joey, “how old are you”. Joey said she was 38. Then he said, “has anyone told you that your baby most-likely has down syndrome?”. We said yes, that’s part of why we were here. We wanted to see if they could do the genetic chromosome test for us. He then went into a new rant about how “if he had been the doctor and the baby had been born at the hospital, a complete heart test would’ve been done and what if she turns blue in the night, and we were already 4 days behind getting a full battery of tests done”, etc… All we could think was, yes… and because the baby was breech, you would’ve surgically taken the baby with a c-section, instead of the beautiful home labor and birth we experienced, and Indy would’ve been immediately taken from us and robbed of the chance to truly bond with Joey those first few minutes, hours and days. We love and trusted our midwife implicitly, and still do. We don’t regret anything, except that doctor visit. The one good thing that came from it was that he called Vanderbilt and got us an appointment that day to have Indiana’s heart fully checked…if we could get there in an hour before the cardiology dept closed for the day. We got Indiana dressed, said goodbye to that clinic forever, and drove to Nashville and rushed in with a screaming baby (it had been a long drive there, and she was starving from all, with no time to feed her).
When we arrived at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital, our experience of the medical world changed. I mean, everything Joey and I’ve ever seen, or known about hospitals, doctors and medicine changed. We met incredible nurses who exuded love and caring and patience and doctors who were so sensitive to you and your baby’s needs, that you fell in love with them as well as their practice immediately. We had never seen anything like it. The first thing they had to do was give Indy an echocardiogram to fully check out her heart. I had read that many babies with down syndrome are born with a severe heart problem that requires open-heart-surgery right away. Though our midwife had checked Indy repeatedly since her birth for any sign of a heart problem (murmur, etc..) and hadn’t found anything to fear, it was important to get her checked out completely to be sure. They said that the echo took 45 minutes to do and that Indy needed to be as still as possible. That was almost impossible because she was crying so hard, starving. And though they were all about to shut down for the day, instead they told us to go ahead and nurse Indiana until she was calm and happy, and afterwards, they would do the test. What a blessing. It worked perfect and she handled the test great. After a few more tests, we sat in the waiting room waiting for the cardiologist Dr Moore to come in and tell us what they learned. When he came and sat with us, he looked over Indiana again very thoroughly and said, that she does have a whole in her heart, but it’s a small one, and not the serious one that they look for in baby’s with down syndrome. Her heart problem most-likely in time will heal itself and that we will all just keep an eye on it and come back and have her checked from time to time. Then, one last time, we asked him if he thought Indy has down syndrome. He said, “yes I feel sure that she does”. He explained why he believed so… her eyes, the single line in the palm of her hand, the bridge of her little nose. Though we’d heard the doctor at Maury Regional that first day tell us, then a nurse-practioner, then one of the midwives, then the rude doctor early today tell us the same thing… we just couldn’t really see it. It’s not that we were holding out hope for a different answer, we honestly had just fallen in love with our little baby girl and after 4 days of staring at her sweet little face and lips and eyes and fingers and toes… she just looks like a normal, perfect baby to us. But in that last time that we asked Dr Moore, Joey and knew that we didn’t need to ask again. We really don’t even need to get the chromosome test done (though of course we have to) to find out for sure. We know in our hearts. Our little one has down syndrome.
When we left the hospital, we were starving, so we called our oldest daughter Heidi, who lives only a mile or so from Vanderbilt and we drove to her house to be with her and her husband Casey. They live in the neatest little crooked house (the floors are so un-level, you have to walk uphill to get to the kitchen and downhill to the bathroom), and they welcomed us with open arms. While Joey fed Indy again and visited with Casey, Heidi and I drove to Koi, a nearby thai restaurant, and picked up dinner to go. Then we all sat in their crooked kitchen and had a wonderful meal and laughed and smiled and cried as we told them all we’d be through and learned that day. It felt so good to be with them, to have them to share our life, and this moment with. In another way, it was so strange and magical to me to know that we were sitting in Heidi’s kitchen talking about and loving on this new little baby, when only a short 27 years ago, Heidi was my new little baby that I was in love with and just learning how to take care. Isn’t life a crazy, beautiful thing?
Today they checked Indiana’s heart, and we learned that it is strong and she’s gonna be okay. And I think Joey and I also learned that our hearts are strong, and we too, are gonna be okay.
Indiana Boon Feek… 8 pounds 2 ounces, 20 inches long. Rory Lee Feek… 180 pounds , 6 feet 3 inches tall.
Our sweet baby daughter Indy was born yesterday, and in a way, I feel as though a new life was born in me also. She is here, and our lives will never be the same. Never. What I will wake up for, work for, and will live for has changed forever. It can no longer be about me. Or just about Joey and I. It is about her, and it is about He who gave her to us.
At 8 am yesterday morning, Joey excused herself from breakfast and headed for the bathroom… not that unusual of a thing these days. But then through the door I heard, “honey, I think it’s starting”… and just like that, the nine months we’d been waiting and praying ended and the moment was upon us. I watched as Joey welcomed the full-on contractions and started timing them and writing their frequency down on a sheet of paper, in the moments in-between, when she could regain her composure. I started filling the birthing pool with water and with camera’s in hand, doing anything and everything she thought needed done to prepare the room. She called her midwife Pamela and by the time she arrived, we’d used up all of our hot water (we’re on a well, and have a small water heater) and the tub was only about 1/4 full. Pamela checked Joey and said she was already at 8 cm. Joey was thrilled. Pamela said not to bother with the tub, we wouldn’t have time. I found myself watching in slow motion, wondering if this was really happening. Taking it all in, smiling and thinking “this is it, this is it, we’re gonna have a baby today!”. Both our girls got their right away and when Pamela realized that Joey was this far along already, she told Joey she needed to slow down. That she wanted her to wait for about an hour before she started pushing. That sounded like it wasn’t going to be an easy thing to do, but thanks to a few sips from a box of wine from our daughter Hopie’s apartment, Joey’s contractions leveled off and 45 minutes or so passed. When Deborah, the other midwife got there (they work in pairs), they tried to break Joey’s water bag. Twice. But it just wan’t breaking. Somewhere around that time, I saw Pamela look up and ask Deborah “when did this baby turn???”. Then she said “Joey, the baby has turned and is now breech. But don’t worry, you can do this”….
If Joey was scared or nervous, she never showed it. It’s as if she knew that was important job to do and she was ready to it. And if the baby needed to come bottom first, and it was gonna be harder… then that okay too. Joey had been in labor just a couple of hours total when it came time to push. And with all her might, she took deep breath after deep breath and let her body do what it was made to do. A half hour later, our Indy was born. Heidi and Hopie and I were all there next to Joey in the bed and stroking her hair and encouraging and loving on her. And then where there had been 4 of us in this family… an instant later, there were 5 of us. And we cried. All of us. Joey wanted me to be the one to tell everyone what we had… so, through my tears I smiled and said “we have a little girl”. And Joey and I kissed. Not just a little kiss, but a 12 year love story kiss that was just beginning. Our lips touched and we stayed there, locked in the moment crying, with my tears flowing into hers. Feeling the joy that we never thought we’d get to feel. (…story to be continued soon)
It doesn’t snow very often in our part of Tennessee, so when it does, it’s a grand event. Joey and I woke up this morning and looked out the window to see beautiful snow falling all around our farm. I am filming this whole year, so I grabbed my camera and headed outside. It was cold, but you didn’t hardly notice it, because it was so beautiful. I have often said that if it has to be cold… I’d rather there be snow everywhere. That’s probably easy for me to say because we don’t live up north or out west where it snows all the time. I’m not actually a fan of the cold weather. I think I remember too many times as a kid being colder than I should’ve been with no way to get warm. No amount of hand-me-down clothes that I put on could take the chill off. So these days, I tend to prefer the heat of summer over the cold of winter. Except on days like this. We didn’t have a white Christmas this year… so today, just for awhile.. I’m pretending we are.